Have realistic expectations during holidays Published Nov. 29, 2010 By Dr. Mark Rolsten 21st Medical Group PETERSON AIR FORCE BASE, Colo. -- As we enter the holiday season, there is so much to do and, seemingly, so little time. I am constantly amazed at the correlation between my age and perception of time. It truly does seem to go so fast. As a clinical psychologist, I often see people who are challenged by the pace of the holidays and feel like control slips away from them just a little. I know I've felt this way before and I also know that each of us can take steps to re-center ourselves and forge a new relationship with the holidays. Here are some things to consider: As you prepare for the holidays, I urge you to consider yourself and begin a discussion with your loved ones on the topic of expectation management. Some would argue this is the key to everything from financial happiness to relationship satisfaction. I suggest that you be clear with yourself, and those you love, about what you are able to do, willing to do and desire to do financially, emotionally and logistically well in advance. This will not only spare heartaches but may bring you closer than you can imagine to those for whom you care. During marital counseling with my clients, it is not unusual for them to discover that they perceive pressure to do "more, better, faster" for their family only to discover that their partner is often just as tired of it as they are. When this is identified it often leads to discussion of a more "streamlined" holiday in which more time is spent building relationships than on making the perfect turkey, skiing down the perfect slope or finding the "gotta have it" gift of the year. The sigh of relief is often palpable in the room. During the holiday events, I urge the formation of traditions. In a world increasingly influenced by the pace of business and change in both terrifying and wondrous ways, it is grounding to renew ourselves with traditions. Traditions may serve as a tether that keeps us in contact with some of the things that really matter to each of us. The cast of participants in these traditions may change from year to year but the organizing function inherent in establishing recurring traditions makes all the difference in the world. While holiday events are transpiring I also urge pacing and acceptance. Like any other activity pacing is the means by which we remain in step with everything from our own heart rate to the people around us. When we feel ourselves slipping away it is often the result of being out of step with our desired pace. The good news is that we can pull back on some things in order to get back in step, but we must be honest with ourselves and those around us about our limits in order to do so. At the same time, acceptance of a less than perfect holiday season can really help as well. If we can make room in our hearts and our heads for the probability that something we bake will burn, something we buy will not be appreciated and someone we care about will disappoint us, we are more able to deal with it when it occurs rather than wasting energy wishing it wasn't true and giving it the power to ruin the entirety of our holiday. Noticing, but not lamenting these important feelings helps us be aware of what is happening around us and the many opportunities that are right in front of our noses. Finally, after the holiday events, moments of sadness are more prevalent for many people. This is the period of time when the sugar high has worn off the children (and me, I admit it), the credit card bills come due and we resume the pace of our life as it was prior to the holidays. For many this is a relief. However, for others, it can be a rough transition. In either case, I encourage a review or "hot wash" of the things you did that went well, the things that didn't go as well and lessons learned you want to remember for next year. This is also the time to ensure that we are taking care of ourselves by exercising, maintaining healthy eating patterns, limiting alcohol intake and perhaps most importantly, not isolating ourselves. Another means of taking care of ourselves is ensuring daily exposure to natural light. The lack of exposure to daylight is a risk factor for seasonal depression. Exposure to natural light is necessary to reset our internal clocks. Making it a point to venture outside at lunch or at least towards a window with natural light often buffers these effects. For many, this season is the time of year to renew commitments, make them for the first time and to lay the foundation for the New Year. I hope you will remember that whichever way ahead you choose, it's a script -- not a mandate. Most scripts are revised numerous times before final submission. Let it be true for you this season. What would it be like to give yourself permission to revise plans as you need in order to stay in step with yourself, your loved ones and your life? Happy holidays to all in whichever tradition you observe. For information on counseling services, contact us at the Peterson Mental Health Clinic at 556-7804.